Where swirling thoughts settle..

pretty boy

2005-05-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

I was feeling so nostalgic. truly. As i walked into a shop, the song was reminiscent of those times. I felt weird. I knew i had lost the best man in my life. I know that the Lord is unhappy with us. Sometimes we are just like that, being insistent little kids, childish and immature. We want things to go our way. I guess everyone feels that way once in a while. Someone told me this thing today. Being children of God does not equate to the Lord preventing us from making choices and restricting us. Just picture a toddler. He is free to experiment with everything arnd him so that he can learn. yet he is safe, knowing that the Lord has his protection over him.
i still miss him loads. i'll get over it. i'll try.

Somehow, why do i have the sense that the people close to me are changing. i am no longer close to her as a friend. I dont want to lose hold of this friendship but slowly. I dont want the same thing to happen like it did to me and cat.. =) maybe it's me, but maybe it's yu.. Maybe it's us.

just thought abt the choir concert

2005-05-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Yea mans. Was so high that night.. This
thankful for the people who came and support. =) really appreciative. that meant a lot to me. Thought this period of choir has been quite trying, i'm glad that i forged wonderful friendships with great ppl arnd. chengpei,ben,song,zoe, audrey. I was hoping to take pics after the concert but there wasnt much chance. =( everyone was just preoccupied with their own friends(that includes me) haha. but i did my dear yeechiun a bigg favour. *winks* just that the photo did not turn out nice.. sads sads. And we had a great time gossiping abt r.guys. Didnt know we have the same soft spots. OMGosh!! =X haha. oh ya, i m so gg to miss ppl like ben, chengpei!! arr.. the worst part as i must emphasize again.. WE DIDNT TAKE ENOUGH PICTURES!

anyw, hung arnd till 4am that day with my first 3 months clazmates. i love them. they got chocs and a bouquet of sunflower for me! =) haha. yea. and we just bummed arnd.. *just like in the first 3monthS* so fun.. we took millions of crzy photos at istana park and chased couples that were making out. oOPs. i miss them like nuts hope we can meet up soon again! i love yu guys

updatEx

2005-05-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

havent posted anything in a million yrs. =) but now that the choir frenzy has all died down, my life is less hectic and i like it the way it is now.. i finally have the time to catch up with some frens and my dwindling work.. =X doubt i will do well this JCT. Such inconsistencies.. tsktsk. i'm gg to try very hard. Stand strong to what i believe. There's this verse that i keep really close to my heart from psalm 73. it recognises the Lord's hand in our lives when we ourselves have no will and strive to carry on.

Increasingly in this world, i'm becoming more and more aware (or should i say cynical) about what ppl do. It's like totally unacceptable to me- yest, i was trying to make it for both the choir gathering and my SSgathering. Come on. I was really trying, but no.. I had to get ticked off by some ppl. Didnt act feel like going in the end, but wells, since tingping agreed to go... When i reached there, yu act as though you didnt say anything wrong to me. WOW. amAzing..

Guess there are a few friendships that i would truly treasure. =) someone i have gotten quite close to in this period of time is prob tingping. besides that i feel that i have drifted quite a bit from the people in the batch. only talk to tingz and mf only.. in church tt is

oh ya, and.. There's this whole issue about ahem. Just wondering if it is very mean of me that i hate him so much.. Wells, i just cant stand the way that he speaks. Arr, the thought of him irritates me to the core.. eekS. i just hope our friendship wont be affected because of this ya.. hope things will get better..

disappointment

2005-02-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

-exhausted- I find it increasingly difficult to share with the people who are once close to me. No matter how you try, they just have that stagnant perception about you. As much as you dont like it, injustice is unavoidable. Some may comment and say that we should not care about what others think of us. However, when it comes to the people that are close to you, it's a whole new dimension altogether. Honestly, I still feel a tinge of anger and disappointment.

At the beginning of the new year, I made some resolutions to ensure that I may enjoy a more balanced life. It's been one month since school started and I realised that it is tougher to cope in year2. (esp when choir pracs are 3 times a week) You have no choice but to compromise something. The responsibilities of being a student are increasingly getting overwhelming. I have been doing quite badly in my class tests and all. It's really difficult to maintain that reputation of being someone hardworking. The "teasings" are getting a lil unbearable. Everyone can make mistakes.

HOLD FAST to His Word. Lord father, i pray for your grace and mercy. I have always done relatively well, yet maybe i am not as thankful as i ought to be. Maybe it's a lesson that you would like to teach me? But Lord, your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. In no means can I uncover the perfect plan that you hv. Trust. Lord, i'm learning how to trust.

2005-01-13T22:32:00.000-08:00

School's started. Had this hope and this expectant joy when i first stepped into year two of college life. Surely, that is the hope and joy that the Lord has blessed me with. The refreshment during youth conference and simple yet pure joy amidst the Christmas celebrations. When i think of him, i am just humbled.

We did not have any tut in the first week of school. =)(Such good things dont come by very often) Song, tim, leb and me spent most of our time hanging out after school. Did my QT faithfully. We had dinner with teacher gerald and elaine. The sharing really benefited me a lot. It was just so uplifting, so encouraging. I felt that their lives did reflect the beauty of the Lord and I was just so compelled to do my part for the Lord too, allowing him to take the place that He deserves.

Sadly, that was the end to a wonderful week. This week has been quite bad. With all the work piling up endlessly and activities resuming, I was just so carried away. i am just so glad that i can now view things in a more positive light. How then can I keep that focus? The troubles (and ironically, the enticing traps) of the world, the worldly pursuits (that merely provide temporal satisfaction), the giving in to the flesh.. Love not the WORLD. I should just focus more on His Word. I realise how easy it is to slip away and depend on others, rather than the Lord Almighty.

I had made some new resolutions for the new year. One is to keep the focus on the Lord. Let him take the centrestage. keeping my eyes on him. Also, I need to try and think of studying as a responsibility that he has delegated to me. If I do well, I am doing my father proud. I really need to get that into perspective before I actually start on this Alevel year. Sometimes, pondering over the last year, i realise how meaningless and blind i was. =) I must also try and excercise more often. Like 2-3 times a week. It all revolves around the idea of being mentally tenacious.

The memory verse that we learnt in church proved to be really useful. At times, pride sorta got into me. But let not the "wise men glory in his wisdom". To put things into perspective, i am not even that smart in the first place, just plain hardworking. It must be all that teasings that really seeped into me. *praying that i may be humble. All things are left to Him.

Christmas lunch at the Shang

2004-12-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas day. This day is really special for many of us Christians. I am so glad that i can celebrate with the Bethany family. This time as pastor lighted the christmas candles, i had a greater understanding of what it signifies. =)We had our christmas worship service and lunch at Shangri la. Initially, i couldnt settle down. All the scoldings i've got in the morning threw me into a really bad mood. Thank God that i had tingz to make me feel so so much better.

The Christmas lunch was great. Just that the people at my table dont really eat a lot. The table is 70% of the time empty anyw. People are roaming around, giving christmas cards and presents or taking pictures. The food at my table just piled up. Heez.

Oh gosh and i saw him.. I am so going to faint once again. It feels so weird. Everytime i see him, the feeling comes back again. This familiar feeling. Yup the same one i had last year. At least last year, i had more chances to talk to him. Now, he seem so distant. I know that he is just really acting. Some things that he said.. it is just so superficial or he is just prob brushing things off. I guess he should know by now.. He's so sensitive and brilliant. Well, at least i got my small little wish for christmas. =)

Vienna-- so much to blogg about.. =)

2004-11-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

Frankly speaking, i wasnt really looking forward to this trip. Not too sure of the reason myself. Maybe it's because of him? It was only till the last min that i felt a lil jittery. Thoughts of how i may have forgotten to bring something clouded my puny mind. I am just so glad that Deedee helped me out with so many things. This time, my parents did not rreally help me out with my stuff. I felt like a black ant.i felt tiny, lost and helpless. busy scurrying arnd looking for things i may need.

Vienna-a beautiful and cultured city. The streets are lined with intricately craved buildings, posh cars and "botak" trees. The city centre had endless rows of boutiques: zara, mont blanc, L.V. Everything was of that sort- high class and exquisite. Shopping? =S I dont really think so. Anyw, The sight was simply breathtaking. *(",)Oh and how can i forget? The church!! SO nice! forgot its name. And the house of music.. If only i had more time there. It was so fun. If i have another chance to go back to vienna, i will take the time to read about some composers. There are loads of interactive games and interesting exhibits inside. There was this one in which we are allowed to conduct the philharmonic orchestra and if you conduct wrongly, the members of the orchestra will actually stand up and scold you. =P
There was one night after choir that i went to talk to ms tham to ask her some singing stuff and just as we were talking, she said somthing that struck a chord in me.I cried, not exactly knowing why. Then we ended talking about life.As i reflecting back on the past year, i began to cry harder. She taught me quite a whole lot of stuff that night. I am really thankful.I guess she is really right. I am too weak emotionally and not independent enuff.I shared all this with songsong during the trip. =) so glad that there are people like that arnd.
1)do excercise regularly-tenacity
2)dont give up
3)make a diff

enuff said about sad stuff.
oh ya, and we got silver for the comp!

Now for the happy stuff. Well, i really took things in my stride after that incident. =) At least for the trip. We had a really great time. Down the freezing streets of Prague.. Hanging around with cClia, benny, nad and asih. Mostly we were shopping with cClia and ben. I mean .. berlinda. =) He is quite a good shopping partner i should say.. Except at certain times, he will just say NICE to whatever you need an opinion for. Besides that, he can be rather sporting. cClia, she is mad. FOREVER taking pictures. Until the last few days when her camera ran out of memory.
The last two days or something, we spent with ngian, shiyun and berlinda. ReaLLy fuN! hah =) bought loads and loads of things.. I remember the crazy times when we had to get rid of our crowns and so, we were running around lke mad people, trying to spend our money because we needed to finish it.. =) Esp ngian. On the second last day, we had a mini gathering over at my room. But soon, shiyun and ngian went away. And Ben, song, tim were left. Woahs. we were just laughing so so hard. Because we actually finished the 99game in less that 2minutes. We were suffocating. haha. then ben and song very funny. one go toilet hide. one go into the cabinet.
cant wait for the photos!

CheM O.. (:

2004-11-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

Yest i went for my dear Chem O. hAh. i didnt even start on section A. It was like totally blank mans. No joke. yUpp. tht's 33marks out of the whole paper which is less than 100marks. That is without taking into account that i still have many other blanks at the back. *screwed. but nothing surprising.

Went out with the chem o ppl to have lunch at Macs. Eating laughing.. WooHoos. so much food that we had to play zong ji mi ma to get rid of the food. Erwin was really unlucky. He chose the correct number thrice. =P Then we went around to take photos. It was really embarrassing. Futhurmore, we were wearing our school uni.. People giving weird stares. but who cares? as long as we have fun.. Chem O ppl are really fun!

The day before chem O, i went with w.b to study in the airport. Was supposed to be studying for Chem O. Well, we did.. a mere few pages. The rest of the time was spent sending pictures via bluetooth. =) Walk around, laugh laugh laugh. really great.. And I am not gong! =P =P =P WooHoos, all the problems that i had.. no longer on my mind after that.. =)

2004-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

the looney us!

2004-11-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

church friends

frens-gifts from God

2004-11-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

hmm.. recently, i have been talking to justina loads. not too sure why. However, it's a real joy to be around her. Just, sam and i can talk nonsense and laugh loads and loads when we are together. i'm just so appreciative of this friendship that we share. 3people from 3different worlds can actually click so well. that's kinda strange. yupp but as sam said, "it's God's will" kinda corny huh? ooPps sam. *cheerx to our friendship.. I'll be praying for you justee.. dont worry. Hope i'll be meeting y0u guys later.. =)

**SCREAMS**
My blain is not brank
i do not wear violins
and my phone does not have a camerie =P

swings in me~

2004-11-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

I havent really been working hard since after promos. In fact, i didnt really work at all. I struggled to find time to give myself a break. It's been a long year and my soul is worn. Life's been hard but yet I can see God's hand still working. Sometimes, everything just passes by in a jiffy and your mind just gets congested with what the world feeds you with. The hussle and bussle. It never ends. Not even when it is the holidays. There's choir everyday and chem O coming up. I know i need to start my engine again.. But i dont seem to have the discipline, drive.

This brings me to my problem. I just live my life the way i want to live it. It may appear to be something desirable, the typical advices that one would offer. I beg to differ. There's this gargantuan problem that i have. There's no moderation and discipline in my life. It's either i follow the rules of the game or i just do as my feelings dictate. my acute and over-sensitivity brings me to explore a plethora of feelings and expressions. Many often undesirable in others, God's and even my very own eyes. (not that i can actually see myself) These roller coaster rides have made my soul weary. I really need a break. I feel like just bumming around. How i wish i could have the patience and opportunty to read a book or just immerse myself in thought.

The break.. Actually, Youth conference would be a refreshing time for me. It will bound to churn all the energy i need to trudge thru next year. A warrior in my uniform. proudly fighting for God. it will be tough.. Well, but i cant have everything i want. WIll only be able to attend the night sessions as i will be working for YMCA. hmm..

i need a break..

.for you.

2004-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

Something that someone said really struck me hard. How can i contain all the excitement within me? There's seems to be a catchy song playing in my heart, and i feel like dancing. The feelings i have within can be juxtaposed with boiling water in a pot. =) This brings me to marvel at the way other people can carry it off so well. They just appear to be blase and ignorant about that person of theirs. I'll keep trying.

Honestly, there is nothing really great about this person. Or maybe, there really is. Why do i just seem to get this helpless yet unique feeling everytime i see him. Am I just charmed? If that was the case, then why is it always the case that i feel that way. You just strike this special chord inside me. I'll never admit to this feeling though. It's alright. It was last year, around this time. The feeling has changed. I know you will never appreciate it. I choose to remain silent. Frens 4ever then.. =

outing with dee and rara

2004-11-08T16:20:00.000-08:00

Last night i had a gr8 time. It's always the case when you have your close friends around ya.We watched Princess Diaries2. *huge letdown* Shopped for a lil while and talked thru the evening. Lord i thank you for such ppl. Really.. I tried to share with clara about some stuff. I really hope she would see things in the light. =) hope she can come for camp too. She'll benefit as much as i did last yr.. I'll keep praying.

I recall this msg on Sunday about being a warrior of God. Fighting that invisible spiritual battle. I'lll pray for that gentleness yet boldness. The grasp of my foundation: the word of God. Prayer. I'll be praying for those who are taking their exams tOo.. Keep running. Keep fighting. Keep your eyes fixed. Jiayou!

nice morning. had a really sweet dream about him. i guess he is really on my mind. -screams- NoooOOo.. But i had this really sweet dream that we were in some unfamiliar place. He was still him, insistent and stubborn. "I want it my way kinda person" But in the dream we got really close. We were in this shopping centre. Woke up feeling so happy. =)

some funny quiz

2004-11-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

You are a dependable friend... You are always there
when you friend needs you, if you already have
plans you always manage to squeeze your friend
in. You don't like to let you friends down but
sometimes you have to even if you don't want
to, you are not superman or something like that
your just human. Your an example type of
friend... congratulations.

Can friends count on you?
brought to you by

song and tim ova!

2004-11-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

hmm yes free from the claws of chinese AO and PW. =) finally.. yUpp but there's actually SPA and dearest cHen O coming up. how great can life be! =( soon.. soon it will be all over.

it'd better be.. nice day yest. with the two peeps ova at my place. nice tme huh.. playing the game of life and bridge. childish yu make think.. well. it's this childish innocence that brings out pure joy in ppl. really thank god for certain ppl in my life. ;) laughing screaming..

flower: Was talking to flower yest. really mans. somehow i treasure those times. when yu would seem so special. everytime i talk to you. you are still that special someone that i know of. i just dont know why.. really.. if only i could know you all over again. and our frenship start anew.. yup all the mistakes and scars. all the embarrassments and awkward moments. as i look back upon those days.. i really miss that sunshine.. i knew it was nv meant for me. just a thought.. yupp. really nothing much anymore. guess i'm too hurt to feel anything.. too turned off.

Sunshine: standing in one corner. watching enviously. but yu know what. i am just so happy for you. really. at least yu are happy. =) honestly, i dont know why i am waiting.. cause this waiting wouldnt get me anywhere. but i dont know.. maybe you could say that i am satisfied with where i am now.. maybe not.. but i dont have a choice.

after promos woOOhoOo

2004-10-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

YEaPies. today marks the end of my promos. I'm just so gLad. (not exactly actually because my chemistry was not too well done.) Hmm, but all isnt over, there's still projects and chi AO. For now, who cares anyw, went to tim's place and two movies,left me in a catatonic stupor. After all the exams, I'm just so thankful that God saw me thru. His faithfulness.

Also met uP with rara and deedee today. Woah had a whooping gd time singing sOngs, yeA mans, we were serenading the whole MRT with our wonderful music. ;) winks. I'm feeling so nostalgic now. =P Recollecting all those memories about our old choir days were great. So proud to be holding the torch of Temasek. hAhas. i mean tms of course.